Decisions, Decisions

Today I was able to finally speak with my Cardiologist about the test I did last week (CPX test), which measures how well my heart and my lungs function while exercising. It turned out as I had expected: my lungs are fine, but my heart is moderately limited (this is in the middle of normal and severe). She did mention that it is more limited than even the Echo cardiogram showed, which I felt was not good news, and that it would be a good idea to take the next step of doing a cardiac catheterization and heart biopsy. Fun! My doctor did say that I am not the usual case- my blood pressure is very, very low. I have more fatigue than expected, and I cannot tolerate the prescribed medications. Of course she had to mention that there are risks involved; my heart could be damaged during the test, along with some other issues that I frankly tuned out after I heard the first one.
After I spoke with her, I began to get tied up in knots about making this decision. Questions like: should I put my body through this? Is it really necessary? Will they really find something, and if they do, can it be treated? After a few minutes of that torture, I reminded myself that I thankfully have an appointment with a new Cardiologist tomorrow afternoon. I was supposed to see her in October, but it turns out that an old friend of mine knows her assistant and was able to put a good word in for me. This reminded me that I am really being taken care of. This friend called out of the blue after six months, and then after a few minutes of conversation, it comes out that I am trying to get into see her Cardiologist at which point she makes a phone call to get me in sooner.
All of this shows me that I don't have to figure this out tonight. I also don't have to figure it out by myself. I just have to do what is in front of me and ask my Higher Power and the people I trust and care about for guidance and support. I also can go within during meditation and quiet time to see what is the best course of action for this situation. Yes, it is stressful to have Cardiomyopathy. It is also scary not to know the cause or the solution, but it is even worse to believe that I am not going to be okay and that I have no one in my corner cheering for me. Gratefully, I know that I have God and more people than I even realize watching my back, and all I have to do is relax and know that I am completely taken care of. Always.

Acceptance and Faith

On Friday I went to see my Cardiologist for an Echo cardiogram and to check in with my doctor. I was quite happy that I took the step of asking someone to go with me; in the past I have usually gone alone, and for some reason just driving to the appointment was enough to bring me to panic filled tears. On the way to UCLA, I made it a point to remember that God is always with me, and that whatever the results of the test were, I was ALWAYS being taken care of. As with the last three tests, nothing had really changed with my heart. My Cardiomyopathy had not improved, and I was prepared for my doctor to basically give up on me because I have been unable to tolerate the medications, and I seem to be a rather challenging case. In fact, I was so sure of this that I have an appointment to see another (Cardiologist #4) in October. Well, as it turns out, I was way off base as to how the conversation would go with her. I was actually projecting quite the opposite of what was said - what happened instead has given me more hope than I have had in a long time.
Suddenly, I feel like my doctor is very interested in finding out what is going on with me and we talked about several tests that she thinks I should do in order to figure this whole thing out. The reality is that I am not the average Cardiomyopathy patient; my blood pressure is very low, my heart is stiff and not weak, and I can't handle the meds. I am also quite young (which people love to point out to me). Additionally, she suspects that there is something muscular that may be going on in my body that is contributing to my weakness and she is hoping that the tests will help us find that out. I may end up going back to a Rehumatologist in the future to see if they can find anything out too.
As scary as some of the tests are (the first test is done while riding a bike and wearing a mask that will help to monitor several aspects of my body's function, the other two tests will be done at the same time: doing a biopsy of my heart and exploring the arteries and areas surrounding my heart for possible blockages and fluid that may be behind my heart) I am really glad that I haven't come to the end of the road of finding a solution. I know that I have said that I don't need to try and figure this out, but at the same time it would be nice to know how to treat this, and exactly what will help me to get better once and for all.
I still plan on seeing the new Cardiologist- I don't feel that it will hurt to get another opinion, and from what I hear she is also a fantastic doctor that specializes in women's hearts and is open to natural treatments such as acupuncture, which I feel very strongly about and I know is what will truly help me to heal and move on from this. I am choosing to stay positive and in the faith today and not get caught up in how much I don't want to do these tests. For all I know, I won't have to do the biopsy, but even if I do it may just give us some long awaited answers and solutions to this life altering condition. It helps to know that God is with me through all of this, and that family and friends are there to support me- without that I don't know how I would deal with even half of the issues I have been going through. To say that I am grateful is an understatement; to tell you that I am blessed is the absolute truth; to remember that I am always okay is essential.

Choosing to Focus on Wellness Using the Law of Attraction

I have been really diving into the new Jerry and Ester Hicks CD, "Money and the Law of Attraction," and it has helped tremendously in keeping me positive and focused on what I do want in my life. One section of the book talks about illness and why it is so difficult for some to come out of being sick once they have come down with an ailment. The main point that Abraham touches on is our habit of focusing on what we don't want. Talking about being sick, thinking about it, making it part of who we are as a person. The more that we do this, the more we perpetuate the illness- and that is exactly what I have been doing for the last four years. The book also mentioned that in order to become sick in the first place, one has to have denied their joy and the things in life that make them happy for quite sometime. Once again that rings absolutely true for me. The trick here is to keep focused on what I do want. To tell the story of how I want to feel, how I want to live. That can be a strange concept, when that is how you have come to think of yourself- always sick, always wishing for it to go away.
The other side of it is sharing how I feel with others. What do I say when they ask me how I am doing? I have found this to be the biggest challenge of them all, but I can really see how valuable it would be for me to make this part of my everyday life. When a friend asks how I am feeling I can say that I am feeling an improvement or that I am focusing on feeling good today. It is still not totally clear to me how to make this part of my normal routine, but I am willing to keep at it, because on the days when I do tell a better feeling story, and I do focus on what feels good, things work out beautifully in all areas of my life.

National Invisible Chronic Awareness Week

Have you heard about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week? September 8-14, 2008 will feature 20 seminars via Blog Talk Radio, (4 per day, M-F) plus tons of people are helping spread the word by blogging about invisible illness issues. Do you get tired of hearing,"But you look so good?"or weary of the stares when you park in a handicapped spot? This is our chance to educate the public as well as remember we are not alone. Nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA live with an illness and 96% of it is invisible.So join the cause today! They have daily guest bloggers at www.invisibleillnessblog.com, lots or prizes, articles, and it's a great way to make some new friends and attend a conference without ever leaving your home. The main web site is: www.invisibleillness.com .

Onward and Upward

I am so happy to be feeling more positive the last few days; I think it took me a while to shake the troubling discussion I had with my doctor last week. What I did to come out of my funk was to write about it in the form of several God letters, telling Him what I was concerned about and asking for His help in getting past how down I was feeling. On top of that I have decided to stop trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. For years I have been trying to find the perfect answer to why I wasn't well, and even more so, why I was still sick. I have realized that all I can do is ask for my Higher Powers Guidance, and then do as I feel I am being directed. I can't afford to get caught up in what ifs, whys, how's, and the big one: what is the ANSWER to all of this? The other thing that I am working on, which I feel will be a big help with my illness and my outlook, is letting go of the idea that this is all my fault. That I have attracted the Fibromyalgia and the Cardiomyopathy into my life because I don't have my shit together. I have also found myself upset at the thought that I have chosen to be sick because I can't or won't deal with life on life's terms. Even if that is the case, all I can do is ask for the help in getting past it and growing so that I can allow health and wellness back into my life. I know that the Universe is always sending me complete wellness, and it's my job to let go of old thoughts and beliefs that block it from coming in clearing out my illnesses.
One final note: I have faith that the more work I do to change my beliefs and my need to be sick, the faster I will be back to my old self: whole, complete, and perfect!

Side Swiped At the Doctors Office

Today's visit at the doctors office went well in the areas where I was afraid that it wouldn't- then I asked him a pointed question about my inability to tolerate the prescribed medications and what my prognoses would be if things didn't improve. He said then I might have to be a candidate for a heart transplant (actually he was much more direct than that). After he said that I asked him some further questions: can this get better on its own? He said yes, that sometimes whatever caused the Cardiomyopathy has left and the body is able to repair things on its own. I asked if he had any patients that had this happen and he said yes he did.
I am doing what I can to not focus on the big scary statement he made, although I have to admit that its right there in my face if I choose to think about it. I was able to call my acupuncturist and talk to him about what was said. He is remaining positive, and pointed out that most doctors have to paint the worse case scenario in order to cover their own behind. He was also excited that I have an appointment with a new cardiologist,who from what I hear, is going to be a great fit for me. Not only does she specialize in women's hearts, but she is overseeing an acupuncture study for people with heart problems. I am going to see if I qualify for the study when I go back on Tuesday. I am grateful that I am not sinking into fear or despair one more time. I am also happy that I was able to make calls asking for support and not calling my friends and family in tears looking for pity. I can finally say that I am tired of people feeling sorry for me- it hasn't done much good for me except to keep me stuck in the same old pattern that I have been in for most of my life.

The Power of Words

So, I made a commitment last week to not complain for seven days. At first I thought that this was too difficult to accomplish and I balked at even trying it for a day. This was last Tuesday, and I have gone six days without complaining (at least consciously). What an amazing difference this has made in my life already! I have always known that words are powerful and that what we say, think and do creates are reality, but I never thought of approaching my life in this particular way. Now, I have to admit that not complaining can be difficult for someone who has been dealing with chronic illness for several years. It starts to become all a person can talk about, and even on days when you are feeling better, it is very tempting to talk about how bad you were feeling, or how you are afraid that you will never get better. For me, it has become my story or some sort of strange badge of honor that I carry around and whip out whenever I want to feel unique or feel that I am in need of some attention in the form of pity. Well, all this has done for me is make me create more and more of the same. Not only that, but I keep attracting more people in my life that do just that: complain.
These last few days have been a challenge because it has become very familiar for me to talk about my Cardiomyopathy and Fibromyalgia and what my body was going through - at certain points I felt like I was at a loss for words when speaking with friends. What do I talk about when I am not feeling well and they ask me how I am doing? So far I have focused on talking about how they are doing, or I share with them that I am working on being positive and I am certain that everything is going to work out. Honestly, it has been a new experience for me and it feels so much better not having the need to tell everyone how crappy I feel. Strangely enough, the bad days seem to pass rather quickly when I am focusing on gratitude and the solution, as opposed to calling all of my friends in the hopes that they will feel sorry for me and give me some sort of comfort. All of this has made me realize that being a victim is really an old and outdated way for me to think and live. Do I want to look back at the end of my life and regret the fact that I didn't do much with my life except for suffer and spread my suffering around to others? Or do I want to drop the poor me routine and live up to my God given potential? I have to say that the latter sounds like a much better alternative to me- I know that it is going to take some practice and patience to change my old ways of acting, but if I work on it daily I can only imagine how much better my life will be! I challenge all of my readers to try it for seven days and see how much better it makes you feel- I can pretty much guarantee that you will be thrilled that you made this commitment to yourself too.

The Courage to Keep On Going

The last few days have been rather challenging physically for me, which usually affects my emotional state as well. My day on Thursday consisted of starting Cardiac Rehab and I have to say that I pushed my body harder than I should have. It wasn't so much the appointment, it was all of the walking and going up nine flights of stairs to get there. I am hoping that one day soon I will get the lesson of how hard I can really push myself; the trouble is that it changes from day to day and week to week, so I won't beat myself up about it.
When I begin feeling weak and dizzy I can easily go into the fear and the poor Me's instead of taking it as a time to rest and recharge my body. I so desperately want to be well (at least most of me desires this) that I get discouraged when I start to feel badly again. What I have noticed is that being ill gives me a great excuse for hiding out in my house and avoiding my life in a lot of ways. I did this for years as an obese person- being 75-110 pounds overweight gave me a great reason to not go out and be social. Now that I am a healthy body weight, I have an illness that seemed to begin when I got thin a few years ago. I know that there is a connection with my sickness and my emotional issues, and among those issues is my need to hide and not be a part of the world around me. A lot of the time I want to grow and become more comfortable around different people and enjoy new experiences, but it seems that when I am the most uncomfortable about an upcoming event, the easier it is for me to feel worse and worse before the day comes. Now, I have to say that I can go either direction with this: I can get upset with myself and feel depressed (which will perpetuate it), or I can feel grateful that I can clearly see the pattern and I can pray to my Higher Power asking for His help with this. I really think that the second option will help me to get better that much faster- and once again I am struck a feeling of thankfulness because no matter how dark things seem to get, I still find a way to get myself back into the game. Nothing has kept me down for very long. Not the Fibromyalgia, not the Cardiomyopathy, and certainly not my fears about showing up authentically in this big world we live in. The fact that I have a wonderful God in my life today, and that I am able to count on Him at all times, is what gives me the absolute courage to keep on going. The only time I am in trouble is when I forget this and begin to panic- the good news is that someone is always there to remind me that I am never alone and I am amazingly always taken care of.