Do What You Love

As many of you know, I have been working to overcome chronic illness and depression for a while now and I have finally figured out that making it a point to do the things that I love brings me closer to being completely well.
People have been telling me for years to follow my heart and to do things that I enjoy, and I would just dig in my heels and respond that I didn't feel well and I would get to it when I was better. Well, it turns out that I had the cart before the horse! The more that I make having fun and doing things that excite me a priority, the better I feel (physically and emotionally). One thing that helped me to figure out just what those things were was to look back over my life at the times that I was happiest. What came up for me was going to college, singing, attending church, riding horses, and just hanging out with friends. The sad part was that I hadn't been doing much of anything fun for a very long time, and once I began to make an effort to bring those things into my life, the stronger and happier I have felt. Once I made a firm decision to move forward with some of the things that bring me joy, amazing things started to happen: I began to look forward to getting out of bed in the morning, I was able to accomplish more things during the day, and it gave me the strength to affirm that I am no longer a victim and that I really want to be well. Pretty powerful stuff if you ask me!
I can't recommend doing what you love enough- please take the time to put your passion and what makes your heart sing at the top of your list(or at least on the list!)- it will make all the difference in the world. I promise!

The Results Are In

On Friday I got a chance to speak with my Cardiologist about the results of my heart biopsy. It was just as I had imagined- they still cannot find the cause of my Caridomyopathy. In hindsight, this was very good news, but at the moment I was quite upset. In fact I felt devastated for a couple of days afterwards, to be completely honest. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I wanted them to find some terrible thing wrong with my heart; I just wanted an explanation. What in the world is causing my heart to only expand to about half of a normal person's capacity? This seems to be a great mystery for me, and up until yesterday, it was a question that I was determined to have answered. Not just because I want to know how someone my age winds up with a heart condition, but because I want to get better (dammit!) and if we knew the cause, then wouldn't we be able to hone in on a solution? Makes sense to me!
The conversation with my doctor was confusing, and at times she contradicted herself. I am now going to have to go and see a rhumatologist, and meet with a team of doctors to be evaluated for a defibrillator to be implanted in my body in case my heart just up and stops one day. FUN, FUN, FUN. Yes, I am still feeling a bit bitter about the whole thing, but I have chosen to stop trying to figure things out and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Going over and over in my mind what I think is causing my illness isn't doing me any good- and for today I have decided to turn it over to God and relax as much as possible. I really have no business stressing about all of this- it just makes matters worse and I am still healing from the biopsy- so making the choice to stop struggling against this is a very good one indeed.
I have many calls to make tomorrow to doctors offices; I am debating on whether or not to call my Cardiologist back for some clarification. She is a fantastic doctor, but she doesn't have much patience when it comes to answering questions, and I have to get over the fear of pissing her off and just stick up for myself. I may also go and see another Cardiologist (yet another opinion) if I still feel that she isn't going to help me progress any further.
Well, that's the long and short of it for now. I am going to stay in the moment and once again do my utmost to trust that everything (even this) is working out for my highest and best good.