Time To Take A Look At My Heart

Well, its finally here. Tomorrow are my two tests at UCLA- the cardiac catheterization and heart biopsy. To be honest, I don't know what makes me more nervous: having my life disrupted or hoping to God that I didn't go through one more test for no reason. As my personal way of dealing with this stress, I have made myself run around all day long trying to prepare for the "event," and for the days following. From what I have read and have been told, the recovery time is about 24 hours, but I know from past experience that the stress alone can set me back for a few days, so I can just imagine what all of this will do to me. Having just said all of that, my job is to push these fears and projections aside and focus on the fact that it is going to turn out beautifully. I will show up at the hospital; they will do the tests; I will stay in recovery for a few hours; then I will go home and rest. End of story. It doesn't have to be dramatic or scary- I can actually choose to go with the flow and have faith that everything will be okay. I really believe that deep down I don't like the idea of my heart being messed with, and I know that having a biopsy taken of it just isn't sitting well with me. If I were my heart I wouldn't like being invaded with a bunch of scopes and surgical tools! My hope is that my body will be accepting of all of this, and that the results will more than make up for any stress or discomfort that these procedures may have caused me. Please keep me in your prayers and send good thoughts- I can use as many as I can get!

Self-love

The last few weeks I have been in waiting mode- trying to live my life and not think too much about my upcoming tests on my heart. I have to say that it has been an interesting time; I have felt much more hopeful, but at the same time I feel like everything is on hold until I get the results of the cardiac catheterization and the heart biopsy. I have this constant feeling that I should do more, be more, grow more; but in reality I have to take things one day at a time and do the best I can.
I am finding that being my own worst critic is not helping my health or my emotions one bit. It certainly isn't allowing me to grow spiritually either. If I am feeling critical of myself, then I am blocking God's love and God's will from really coming into my life and making it fantastic. Heck, I would be happy with an improvement, we don't have to get to great just yet. I really can't complain because I have been taken care of completely since all of this began in February by having the best doctors, money to live, and emotional support from my friends and family. What more could a gal ask for?
Another thing that is becoming clear to me is the importance of self-love. The more I beat myself up, the more I make myself sick and unhappy. I know that many people have problems loving themselves, and I find it hard to understand why we feel this way. Is it caused by our home environment growing up? Does it stem from school or the media? How about from society as a whole? My guess is that it's a combination of all of these and it's our job to let go of this old programming and remember the truth: we are all amazing people- whatever we have accomplished today is enough. More than enough. I am doing what I can to remind myself that I am here for a reason, and that God doesn't make crap. I read in a wonderful book that I should look in the mirror everyday and say to myself "I love you, I really love you." I must admit that when I first started doing this it felt very uncomfortable and silly, but the more I do it, the more I am starting to realize that I am worth loving. Period.
So, I thought I would share this with others who may be struggling with self-love and self- acceptance in the hopes that they too can begin to cherish the most important and wonderful person in their lives: themselves.

Cardiac Catheterization

Last week I went to see another Cardiologist and it was a great visit, but it turns out that she does not specialize in heart failure like my current doctor does, so needless to say I felt a little bummed out. She did, however, give me a lot of great information:
- She believes that I am currently seeing one of the best doctors there is for Cardiomyopathy
- She agreed with the cardiac catheterization and the biopsy as the right direction for us to go
- I am indeed a unique case, and a visit to a new Rheumatologist is probably a great idea
- That if it comes time for a defibrillator to be implanted, I should compare doctors and hospitals (hers being one of them)
- The chances of my needing a heart transplant are very slim- I am at stage 2-3, and I would have to be at a stage 4 (Whew!)
-If nothing improves in the next couple of years, stem cell therapy is a great option

Even though I felt like it was almost a waste of time to see her (just because she couldn't be my new doc), I did leave the visit feeling much more confident and certain about my current cardiologist and the upcoming tests I have chosen to undergo on the 24th. As scary as the tests seem to me (once I really think about it), I am hopeful that they will shed some light on what is really going on with my heart and my body. Wouldn't it be great if the mystery was finally solved? I have learned, though, that I can't just put all of my eggs in one basket and when it doesn't pan out I feel deflated and depressed once again. I can only do the next indicated action, which is to take care of myself physically and emotionally, show up for the tests at the end of the month, and then go on from there. I also have to remember to keep working on the emotional issues that most likely caused these problems, and I am committed to doing whatever work I can to improve my health- on all levels.