Sunday, August 10

The Courage to Keep On Going

The last few days have been rather challenging physically for me, which usually affects my emotional state as well. My day on Thursday consisted of starting Cardiac Rehab and I have to say that I pushed my body harder than I should have. It wasn't so much the appointment, it was all of the walking and going up nine flights of stairs to get there. I am hoping that one day soon I will get the lesson of how hard I can really push myself; the trouble is that it changes from day to day and week to week, so I won't beat myself up about it.
When I begin feeling weak and dizzy I can easily go into the fear and the poor Me's instead of taking it as a time to rest and recharge my body. I so desperately want to be well (at least most of me desires this) that I get discouraged when I start to feel badly again. What I have noticed is that being ill gives me a great excuse for hiding out in my house and avoiding my life in a lot of ways. I did this for years as an obese person- being 75-110 pounds overweight gave me a great reason to not go out and be social. Now that I am a healthy body weight, I have an illness that seemed to begin when I got thin a few years ago. I know that there is a connection with my sickness and my emotional issues, and among those issues is my need to hide and not be a part of the world around me. A lot of the time I want to grow and become more comfortable around different people and enjoy new experiences, but it seems that when I am the most uncomfortable about an upcoming event, the easier it is for me to feel worse and worse before the day comes. Now, I have to say that I can go either direction with this: I can get upset with myself and feel depressed (which will perpetuate it), or I can feel grateful that I can clearly see the pattern and I can pray to my Higher Power asking for His help with this. I really think that the second option will help me to get better that much faster- and once again I am struck a feeling of thankfulness because no matter how dark things seem to get, I still find a way to get myself back into the game. Nothing has kept me down for very long. Not the Fibromyalgia, not the Cardiomyopathy, and certainly not my fears about showing up authentically in this big world we live in. The fact that I have a wonderful God in my life today, and that I am able to count on Him at all times, is what gives me the absolute courage to keep on going. The only time I am in trouble is when I forget this and begin to panic- the good news is that someone is always there to remind me that I am never alone and I am amazingly always taken care of.