Wednesday, September 24

Decisions, Decisions

Today I was able to finally speak with my Cardiologist about the test I did last week (CPX test), which measures how well my heart and my lungs function while exercising. It turned out as I had expected: my lungs are fine, but my heart is moderately limited (this is in the middle of normal and severe). She did mention that it is more limited than even the Echo cardiogram showed, which I felt was not good news, and that it would be a good idea to take the next step of doing a cardiac catheterization and heart biopsy. Fun! My doctor did say that I am not the usual case- my blood pressure is very, very low. I have more fatigue than expected, and I cannot tolerate the prescribed medications. Of course she had to mention that there are risks involved; my heart could be damaged during the test, along with some other issues that I frankly tuned out after I heard the first one.
After I spoke with her, I began to get tied up in knots about making this decision. Questions like: should I put my body through this? Is it really necessary? Will they really find something, and if they do, can it be treated? After a few minutes of that torture, I reminded myself that I thankfully have an appointment with a new Cardiologist tomorrow afternoon. I was supposed to see her in October, but it turns out that an old friend of mine knows her assistant and was able to put a good word in for me. This reminded me that I am really being taken care of. This friend called out of the blue after six months, and then after a few minutes of conversation, it comes out that I am trying to get into see her Cardiologist at which point she makes a phone call to get me in sooner.
All of this shows me that I don't have to figure this out tonight. I also don't have to figure it out by myself. I just have to do what is in front of me and ask my Higher Power and the people I trust and care about for guidance and support. I also can go within during meditation and quiet time to see what is the best course of action for this situation. Yes, it is stressful to have Cardiomyopathy. It is also scary not to know the cause or the solution, but it is even worse to believe that I am not going to be okay and that I have no one in my corner cheering for me. Gratefully, I know that I have God and more people than I even realize watching my back, and all I have to do is relax and know that I am completely taken care of. Always.